I gained expertise in meaningful Christmas presents
after failing my first gift exchange with my trophy
I was 16-years old and because I was raised
with brothers plus boy cousins, choosing a girl gift
was overwhelming. I
frantically searched, but eventually gave up, hoping
Christmas might escape her notice.
It didn’t and she dumped me over the
Here is what I learned over the next 42 Christmases:
Contrary to campus conventional wisdom, men
and women are different.
Buy a man a tool and all the world becomes
his workshop and to men over 30, nothing says “I
love you” like an arc welder.
This advice does not apply to male,
college-age snowflakers, as their desired present
appears to be Starbuck’s gift cards, capris pants or
pointy, pixie shoes.
You ladies are on your own if you picked one
of those fellas for a mate.
For unknown reasons, women do not view
kitchen appliances with the same esteem a man holds
It is foolish to expect your trophy wife to open a
blender Christmas morning and honestly gush, “Just
what I always wanted!”
Gifts labeled Cuisinart are one small step
above skipping Christmas entirely, which brings me
to my point.
While thumbing through December’s “American
Hunter,” I spotted a display ad for beaver fur
The trophy wife has a favorite heavy blanket,
but I could imagine her curled up in a new fur
blanket in front of a warm fireplace, sipping a
merlot just like the model in the ad.
I searched their website knowing this could
be the perfect gift.
Hoping to get it delivered by Christmas, I
clicked on the large beaver blanket and suffered
It cost just a few degrees south of six
grand, plus shipping.
How can I put a price on the girl who has
been mine for 43 years?
What is the value of a wife who doesn’t
complain about sharing the same rain-soaked sleeping
bag with me plus our three skinny kids, knowing
she’ll only sleep a couple hours before rising to
cook breakfast for our cattle drive guests?
What is the worth of a wife who laughs after
mistakenly receiving nasty e-mails meant for me when
I chaired the House Judiciary Committee?
She is a Proverbs 31 wife and her worth is
above rubies…but she is getting a blender.