It is
calving season in Montana. Last week I was lying on
the cold, concrete floor of my clinic with both arms
buried to my bare shoulders in a cow. The calf was
coming tail first, forcing me to push his butt in
with my right hand, while my left fished to
straighten each back leg. With the cow standing,
gravity pulls the calf forward making the entire
manipulation fairly simple. This cow preferred
difficult. With every contraction she threw herself
to the ground, we would hot-shot her back to her
feet only to have her drop again. Finally, we just
stayed on the floor. With me laying nose to her
tail, the old cow strained and shot a one gallon mix
of amniotic fluid, blood, urine, and manure down my
left arm pit. “Boy this is glamorous,” I thought to
myself as I felt the warm slime running down my ribs
and filling my shorts. Nearly exhausted, I was about
to do a caesarean, when the cow relaxed and I
repositioned both legs and delivered the calf. The
job was done, but I was a mess, so I zipped home for
a quick shower and a change of clothes. If I were a
pessimist I would have gone back to bed, as it
wasn’t yet noon and I was already on my second pair
of underwear. How much worse could it get?
After my shower, I was eating a sandwich and digging
through the mail when I discovered the 2010 Census;
the long form. Things just got worse. “This is
nice,” I thought quietly. Our constitution states a
census must be performed every ten years and a
simple counting of Americans is understandable.
However, today’s census has mutated into an
unrecognizable, progressive, monstrosity. The
questions are invading and unconstitutional, yet you
must answer them or face a $5,000 fine. That, just
like slime in my shorts, chaps my backside.
It is not that I inherently distrust an oppressive,
tyrannical, government threatening to confiscate my
money at the point of a gun…well actually, the more
I think about it that is exactly what it is.
Progressives feel charitable when they steal the
property I have earned and redistribute it to anyone
they feel in greater need. All they ask in return is
for the subjects of their generosity, the little
people, to kneel and lick the hand that feeds them.
The census is simply their tool. Certainly you have
heard the media ads explaining all the wonderful
benefits provided through the census. Did you notice
there are no ads explaining who gets to pay for
those freebies?
The more census questions I read, the madder I
became, and the more I thought of a couple things
that have been bothering me. If we are answering
questions, I have two I’d like to ask the federal
government.
1) Why on February 2, 2010 did you place a bid
request for the purchase of 60 Remington 870, 12
gauge shotguns with 14 inch barrels and modified
chokes for the enforcement division of the Internal
Revenue Service? (Solicitation #TIRWR-10-Q-00023)
2) Why on March 8, 2010 did you place a bid request
for another 27 of the same police-style, short
barrel shotguns, but this time for the Department of
Education? (Solicitation # EDOOIG-10-000004)
Is every federal bureaucrat going quail hunting with
Dick Cheney or are you expecting trouble? I’m just
curious.
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