Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor

 

Count Me Out

It is calving season in Montana. Last week I was lying on the cold, concrete floor of my clinic with both arms buried to my bare shoulders in a cow. The calf was coming tail first, forcing me to push his butt in with my right hand, while my left fished to straighten each back leg. With the cow standing, gravity pulls the calf forward making the entire manipulation fairly simple. This cow preferred difficult. With every contraction she threw herself to the ground, we would hot-shot her back to her feet only to have her drop again. Finally, we just stayed on the floor. With me laying nose to her tail, the old cow strained and shot a one gallon mix of amniotic fluid, blood, urine, and manure down my left arm pit. “Boy this is glamorous,” I thought to myself as I felt the warm slime running down my ribs and filling my shorts. Nearly exhausted, I was about to do a caesarean, when the cow relaxed and I repositioned both legs and delivered the calf. The job was done, but I was a mess, so I zipped home for a quick shower and a change of clothes. If I were a pessimist I would have gone back to bed, as it wasn’t yet noon and I was already on my second pair of underwear. How much worse could it get?

After my shower, I was eating a sandwich and digging through the mail when I discovered the 2010 Census; the long form. Things just got worse. “This is nice,” I thought quietly. Our constitution states a census must be performed every ten years and a simple counting of Americans is understandable. However, today’s census has mutated into an unrecognizable, progressive, monstrosity. The questions are invading and unconstitutional, yet you must answer them or face a $5,000 fine. That, just like slime in my shorts, chaps my backside.

It is not that I inherently distrust an oppressive, tyrannical, government threatening to confiscate my money at the point of a gun…well actually, the more I think about it that is exactly what it is. Progressives feel charitable when they steal the property I have earned and redistribute it to anyone they feel in greater need. All they ask in return is for the subjects of their generosity, the little people, to kneel and lick the hand that feeds them. The census is simply their tool. Certainly you have heard the media ads explaining all the wonderful benefits provided through the census. Did you notice there are no ads explaining who gets to pay for those freebies?

The more census questions I read, the madder I became, and the more I thought of a couple things that have been bothering me. If we are answering questions, I have two I’d like to ask the federal government.

1) Why on February 2, 2010 did you place a bid request for the purchase of 60 Remington 870, 12 gauge shotguns with 14 inch barrels and modified chokes for the enforcement division of the Internal Revenue Service? (Solicitation #TIRWR-10-Q-00023)

2) Why on March 8, 2010 did you place a bid request for another 27 of the same police-style, short barrel shotguns, but this time for the Department of Education? (Solicitation # EDOOIG-10-000004)

Is every federal bureaucrat going quail hunting with Dick Cheney or are you expecting trouble? I’m just curious.

 
 
 
 
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