“Dr. Kerns,” the Montana Highway Patrol dispatcher began. “We have placed Mary under arrest and she asked you to take possession of her van and her 36 cats. Her vehicle is on the shoulder of I-90 at mile marker 440. Would you agree to her request?”

It was a slow Sunday afternoon in September as I quietly pondered the dispatcher’s question thinking I was about to violate my number one rule about emergency calls: Never render service out of curiosity.

This rule had served me well and it is the exact reason I do not own a tranquilizer gun. Lacking such equipment, when I get the three o’clock in the morning call that begins, “Doc, do you own a dart gun?” I can always say “No”, and go back to sleep. If I owned such a gun, curiosity would prompt me to ask, “Why do you need a dart gun at this hour?” Such follow-up questions are the beginning of some mindless discussion that deprives me of my sleep and costs me money.

This call was different as Mary had been a client for a couple years and was typically prompt in payment. She was a small woman with two peculiarities: Number one, without mouthing her I would guess her age somewhere between 35 and 80. (Of course aging by her teeth wear patterns would have required that she bring all of them to the clinic at the same time. I don’t ever remember actually seeing her teeth.) Number two, she listed her address as different campgrounds outside Red Lodge, a modern day version of Calamity Jane in a Dodge van.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I quietly replied letting curiosity cloud my judgment. In only a few minutes I solicited the assistance of my trophy wife and we loaded our kids in my ambulatory pickup and drove east on I-90. Sure enough, there ahead of a Montana Highway Patrol car sat the late model, silver, conversion van. I identified myself to the officer, he smiled and handed me the keys. “Why was Mary arrested?” I asked.

“All I can say is, it is a felony,” he stoically replied.

With the keys in hand, I walked to the van, unlocked it, and then slowly opened the door. There were four cats on the driver seat, three on the passenger side, and one on the dash board. Everyone seemed to be purring and in good spirits so I pushed the four to the floor and slipped behind the wheel. Not surprisingly, the van smelled a little like cats; not a lot, just a little. I fired up the old girl, and drove to the clinic.

I parked at the back door, readied a dozen kennels, and began the process of unloading, inventorying, and securing cats. This is not as easy as it sounds. Just when I decided Mary was wrong and there were only 26 cats in the van, several more would appear perched on the dash. About an hour later, all 36 cats were caught, transported and kenneled. I thought my job was done when a taxi lurched to a stop in front of the clinic and out stepped Mary. The Yellowstone County Jail was booked beyond capacity and since Mary’s charges were not of a violent nature, she was released. Mary explained she was headed home to Minnesota, loaded 30 cats back in her van, requested the remaining six be spayed, paid cash for the entire bill and said she would be back in a week for the last six. She was.

Thinking Mary’s chapter in my life was past, five months later I received a phone call from a kennel in Minneapolis. Apparently Mary’s cats were boarding for a week while she conducted legal business out of town. The kennel owner requested vaccination records on her six cats. I gave him the dates of immunizations; he thanked me and then asked, “Do you think there is anyway I’ll get paid?”

“All I can say is Mary has always been square with me,” I replied.

“You people out west are just the honest type aren’t you?” he shot back. “I guess you just can’t judge a book by its cover.”

This brings me to my point; you can’t judge someone by their appearance so it is unfair of you left-leaning feminists to speak evil of Sarah Palin just because she is drop-dead gorgeous. Without considering she is an articulate, Christian conservative, NRA Life-Member, marathoner who is hopelessly devoted to her husband and family, you deem her as evil as the Fort Hood terrorist, Major Hasan. (Oops…excuse me the left has asked that we not pre-judge Hasan because he might have been subject to bullying, so that is not a fair comparison.)

Read her book, Going Rogue and mine, Ramblings of a Conservative Cow Doctor, before passing judgment. She pre-sold a million copies all across America; I pre-sold five to my mom. Hers is sold at all book outlets while mine is available on www.kraytonkerns.com or at my clinic, Beartooth Veterinary Service in Laurel. Don’t be catty; read our books.