When life gives us lemons, we are
told to make lemonade. The summer after my first
year of vet school, Harold poked his nose into the
wheat bin and ate himself to death, so I turned him
into lemonade. There were no tears at Harold’s
passing as he was a rough riding ranch horse few
cowboys rode twice. The only person I can remember
saddling him up two consecutive days was Dad, but he
had to because he was the boss. (One of the
unfortunate perks of being upper management on a
family ranch is riding the jug heads other cowboys
refuse.) Like most animals who succumb in the
barnyard, Harold received a ranch burial—my brother
hooked a log chain to his leg and dragged him down
to the bone pile.
Two weeks later, when I was home for the weekend, I
visited Harold. That winter I had studied anatomy
and for display in my future veterinary clinic, I
decided to boil, bleach and reassemble the leg
skeletons of a cow and a horse. “This will be a
perfect use for Harold,” I thought as I walked to
the bone pile carrying a meat saw. A shift in the
breeze made me question this do-it-yourself project,
but imagining the sparkling white skeleton sitting
on my future desk, sparked me to creep closer to the
fermenting mass of flesh. Harold was not alone and
stacked next to him were a couple cows, a yearling
steer, a few calves and a sheep, which was odd
because we did not run sheep.
I braced Harold’s front leg against my own,
commenced sawing and discovered his leg was falling
apart faster than I was cutting. I gathered the
bones in a bucket and moved to his back leg.
Utilizing what I learned on the first leg, I put
down my saw and wrenched upward on the rear leg to
dislocate the stifle joint. This was a mistake.
Harold split open exposing a crawling mass of
maggots and rotting flesh. I quickly gathered the
bones of his rear leg, scooped up my saw and scooted
away without taking a breath.
When I stepped out of the pickup back home, Aussies
scampered from every corner of the barnyard and were
excitedly dancing and barking trying to see what
treasure was in my bucket. My trophy wife on the
other hand, neither danced nor barked and was less
welcoming of my arrival home. We had not been
married quite one year, but she was beginning to
understand what Mom meant when on our wedding day
she jokingly whispered, “Not only do you get
Krayton; you get all his projects too!”
A propane branding torch quickly brought the five
gallon bucket to a rolling boil which separated off
the flesh. When the bones had cooled to the touch, I
laid them on the garage floor to be certain all were
there. They were not. In my rush to scavenge a
skeleton on a single breath, I misplaced the talus;
a softball-sized bone of the hock. As disgusting as
it sounds, I had no choice but to search back
through the dead pile and this finally brings me to
my point.
Much of what we do in the legislature is like
digging through the bone pile and I do not relish
the idea of doing anything twice. In each of my
previous three sessions, we have been bombarded with
animal rights legislation with titles such as the
“Puppy Mill Bill”, the “Animal Hoarder Bill”, or the
“Kennel Registration Bill”. All share the
commonality of increasing government regulation
relative to citizens. These bills are crafted for
weak kneed legislators who cast every vote based on
feelings, so it is imperative we kill these bills in
committee. (Few politicians have the guts to
publically vote against “puppies” on the House floor
and the animal rights crowd knows this.) News
releases in late May suggest my efforts in Montana’s
legislature have been futile.
The USDA modified the Animal Welfare Act of 1966 to
now regulate anyone who breeds four or more females
and markets their puppies electronically or through
the mail. (If any producer does not think this
applies to them, the animal rights crowd sees no
difference between puppies, kittens, calves, lambs,
foals, kids or piglets. You are next!) By decree, a
bureaucrat of the executive branch can now enter
your home, confiscate your property, and assess you
a fine if you do not operate in a manner they deem
acceptable. Oh, and by the way, they have yet to
actually write the rules for which you will be held
accountable. Would one of you progressives please
explain to me what you find so wonderful about
growing such an intrusive government? But first, if
I can find my meat saw, I’ll make us some lemonade.
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