It is
open burning season in Yellowstone County. A decade
back, I dug a small pond to run my lawn and garden
sprinklers, but he north half of the pond is so
shallow it mostly raises cattails. The grandkids
love kayaking around the pond, but because the weeds
are a real fun killer, Sunday I decided to burn it
all down. First, I fired up my lap-top and secured
the government approved $8 permit, if for no other
reason than it reminds me why I voted for smaller
government at every opportunity during my tenure in
Montana’s House. Someday, personal responsibility
and self-reliance will replace regulation and
entitlement, but not today.
It was 11 o’clock in the morning, 50 degrees with
light winds from the southwest; perfect burning
conditions. To prepare for the worst, I strapped the
weed-sprayer to my four-wheeler, and stretched out a
couple garden hoses. Before firing up my weed
burner, I stuck my head in the house to notify the
trophy wife she might want to trade her flip-flops
for footwear more appropriate to fighting wildfire.
I am an incredibly thoughtful husband. She moaned,
rolled her eyes and changed wardrobes. She may not
know it, and may even deny it, but she is living the
dream.
I spent nearly an hour burning a buffer zone on the
downwind side before moving upwind where I
discovered my irrigating boots were too short to let
me wade through the muck to ignite my island of
cattails. Taking a calculated risk, I dragged the
grandkid’s kayak from behind the tack shed, tossed
in the propane tank and burner, and hopped in before
shoving off into open waters. Rather than paddle, I
spent most my time chopping clumsily through the
weeds nearly flipping my watercraft several times.
Desiring to cut my losses in case I did go for a
swim, I tossed both my cellphones to the trophy wife
standing on the bank. She did more moaning and eye
rolling.
Finally in position upwind, I fired up the burner
and stuck the hot end into a clump of dried,
overgrown cattails just as a helpful gust of wind
swept the pond. Within an instant, a decade’s worth
of carbon disguised as cattails exploded into the
atmosphere, thus warming the planet and thawing all
the poor city-kids frozen from the record breaking
winter on the east coast. The heat was blistering,
so I sprinted across the water towing my kayak. The
flames were spectacular, but short lived, and in
less than a minute the show was over. Regardless my
fire suppression resources and those of Yellowstone
County, when I ignited the upwind side I crossed the
point of no return and the cattails were history.
This brings me to my point.
Subtle wealth redistribution either from
establishment Republicans to the business community
or Democrats through social programs to the
dependent class are small infringements on our
freedom and are analogous to my burning a buffer
zone around the cattails. The big fire and point of
no return is yet to come, but when you finally
realize all the programs you supported are now
shackles locked around your ankles, resistance will
be futile.
Recent headlines reveal plans for bureaucrats to
begin weighing children attending government funded
daycare programs. Should your progeny or grand
progeny be too fat or skinny to fit the government
template of normal you can expect corrective
measures varying from nutrition counseling to your
child’s placement into government approved fitness
foster homes. Struggling then would be senseless
because America has passed the point of no return.
Did you support Obamacare or Medicaid Expansion,
passage of the CSKT Water Compact, or government
pre-K education? If you did then you are the
problem; you lit the fire which consumed your
liberty.
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