Since beginning this column five years ago, progressives have dismissed my ramblings as written in code and too confusing for commoners to understand. Such comments always made me wonder if I could actually codify my message and then selectively distribute decoder rings so my column would only be understood by like-minded American patriots. This could give conservatives a clandestine leg up in our battle to restore the republic, because apparently the enemy has been studying my columns and implementing as public policy arguments they previously dismissed as nonsense. Here are two examples.

Number One: In my January 13, 2010, column “Our Future is Written on the Outhouse Wall”, (www.kraytonkerns.org), I made the point that when facing budget cuts government will remove services which will inconvenience the greatest number of subjects in the greatest manner possible. As an example, I predicted bureaucrats would lock the outhouse door at public rest areas. On September 25th, the California Finance Department announced in an e-mail that “remote rural state parks will run out of toilet paper by early October.” (I was close.) Apparently, the same Californians who demand expensive and heavily subsidized, green energy, will be forced to use leaves for toilet paper. The Golden State is so progressive…and bankrupt. (Would you Californian refugees migrating to Montana please leave your politics at home?)

Number Two: Recently, I spoofed bureaucrats regulating the flush volumes of toilets. Progressive teachings require one to believe flushing smaller volumes of water down your toilet will, in a very wild, circuitous, round-about way, keep polar bears from drowning…or something to that effect. (I don’t follow it either; their logic must be written in code.) On October 13th, the progressive New York City Council changed city building codes to require the installation of dual volume flush toilets by July of 2012. (Evidently, you push #1 for number one and #2 for number two; at least I hope it is that simple.) As this adds 50 percent to the cost of fixtures, look for the dual purpose sales pitch suggesting this will both stimulate the economy as well as save the environment.

Certainly we Montanans can chuckle at the city folks on the coasts but don’t laugh too hard because progressive foolishness permeates our state legislature as well. I have ranked the most absurd bills of my legislative tenure. Representative Robyn Driscoll’s (D-Billings), 2009 “Pit bull ban” ironically put up a good fight, but firmly holding the number one slot is Senator Don Ryan’s (D-Great Falls), 2007 act to “Require the availability of paper towels in all public restrooms.” Projected to cost taxpayers a mere $350,000 per year, this bill suffered an instantaneous death. However, with the political mindset today, this legislation could easily become law complete with a bill signing ceremony proclaiming how this economic stimulus bill would either create or save the jobs of towel-dispenser-installers.

All kidding aside, passing legislation is serious stuff. Our Declaration of Independence clearly states government can only act with the “consent of the governed,” so when did we consent for Marxist regulation of every aspect of our lives? There is nothing to decode here, America is plunging into the collectivist abyss because citizens refuse to say enough is enough. Attention American patriots; Election Day is rapidly approaching: What say you?